FU Blog…whaaaaaaa….?

Remember college?

Dude, screw that…  Remember high school?  Junior high/middle school?  Elementary school?  Hebrew school?  Sunday school?  The playground after any term of formal education?  Band camp?  Any dance where people paired off and swayed awkwardly to the music?  Remember dating?  Fundamentalist “conversion” camp?  If you’re Amish: remember life?  Any of these times sucked way worse than college.

People, to put it bluntly, suck.  Especially in the good ‘ole U-S-of-A, our individualist-driven culture basically gives us an imaginary license to treat others in whatever-the-hell way we feel like when the mood strikes as long as we don’t physically invade their space.

But the Internet, she is a magical creature.  She lets us treat people like shit even in Invisible Internet Land (imagine the old-school Willie Wonka candy paradise, except nothing is edible, and if the river splashes on any of this electronic shit we’re all gonna die)!  Don’t you think it’s about time the Internet set the record straight for all the victims of douchebaggery?

So, think of that kid in junior high who manufactured rumors about you.  That guy who told you that you were the love of his life while he was banging your “bff.”  That group of Wet Seal-wearing whores who whisper whenever you walk into the room.  The bully who jumped your ass simply for being a (insert unchangeable character trait here).  Your piece-of-shit babydaddy.  The guy who sold you a fake pair of D&G shades on eBay.  Meat Loaf (the singer).  The chick who blatantly hit on your significant other in front of you.  The teenager who fucks up your order at Kinko’s every single time.  Anyone who ever broke up with you via text message.  Your absent father.  Ann Coulter.  And that preppy, holier-than-thou assclown in the back of the room who makes fun of you for no apparent reason, especially given that he doesn’t even know your fucking name.

These are the people you still want to scream at.  Yeah, it’s been 7 years.  And yeah, you’ve moved on.  You’re not reeeeaaaaalllllyyy bitter…in fact, you forgot about it until you read this blog!!!!  However, the thought of whatshisdouche still makes your stomach turn because the level of heinosity was Guinness World.  You find solace in karma; you know some of these people are bagging your groceries…  But some of them are also cops.  Seriously.  With guns.  And tasers.

Such is the beauty of the written or spoken word.  And the Internet.

So make your list, kids.  Check it twice.  Be thorough, because you should probably only do this like once every 5 years, max.  Then scream “FUCK YOU” to every jackass you never got the chance to say it to.  Hell, even to those you did–I mean, if you’re an asshole, you deserve to hear it until you’ve made up for it by solving the world peace problem.  Then, record it, give it to us, and we’ll put it here.

Ground rules: vent judiciously.  Do you really wanna use your manager’s name and address?  Keep it under ___ minutes.  No nudity in any regard.  Try not to do illegal shit on camera (uhh drugs, murder, kiddie porn, bestiality, tax fraud, duh).  Think about what you say, because it could be illegal (hint: it’s generally not illegal if the shit is true and provable–no false accusations.  If you say something that provokes a lawsuit, it’s YOUR lawsuit, not ours).  In that vein, keep it legit–no bullying, only well-deserved tongue-lashing (hey you, get your filthy head out of the gutter!).  Racist/homophobic speech is not cool, will not be tolerated, and kind of makes you the asshole we want to scream about.  Stick to the list format–you can roll credits or just read, it all comes out in the wash.  And any art included that’s not your own needs to be credited (film, music, poetry, you know the drill).

Alright ladies, gentlemen, and those in between: get on out there and BITCH!!